Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what Trump said—it only matters how he made you feel.

Trump was warning about the ‘bald booth’ using an anagram

Trump was referring to the fact that if he is not elected in November, Democrats will set up special booths in Chili’s where only bald men can sit and talk about bald things.

He’s hallucinating again

Looks like he’s having one of his episodes. Better tie him down so he doesn’t hurt himself.

It was a mistranslation

Due to Trump’s propensity to deliver speeches in the more literary Old Church Slavonic, subpar translators often take creative liberties.

He meant to say there would be a bloodbath regardless of whether he wins or loses

The threat of violence is not conditional—it’s assured!

He’s addicted to violent video games

Losing the election means he’ll have even more time to play, which could cause the lines between reality and Grand Theft Auto to blur even more.

He was threatening suicide

In order to elicit sympathy, Trump was trying to say that if he lost, he was going to slit his wrists in the tub for real this time.

He was referring to the Swedish death metal supergroup

Trump is a massive fan of Opeth, Katatonia, and Paradise Lost, so when you put their members together? That’s a match made in hell.

That he’ll put on his extra sharp dentures if he loses

If Biden emerges victorious in 2024, Trump has threatened to wear his vampire dentures and bite Democrats’ necks.

That Biden would trip and fall

Trump’s allies said he was extremely nervous that Biden would trip, fall, and accidentally break something if he wasn’t careful.

All the blood he would order his supporters to donate to the Red Cross

On day one of his second term, Trump has vowed to order every single one of his supporters to converge on Red Cross headquarters and donate several liters of blood.

Gutting the consolation fish

He’s keeping a gigantic blue marlin alive in a tank to drown his sorrows with should the election not go his way.

That his kidney stones would act up again

All the stress of losing would calcify small stones in his ureter and cause him to pee blood.

He watched ‘The Shining’ again right before bed

This is exactly what happened last time Melania let him watch it.

That he is a maniacal, bloodthirsty dictator who would kill anyone who had opposed him

He keeps trying to clarify this, but the media keeps spreading lies and calling it a gaffe.

He meant he was going to kill you, specifically

Run.